On Weddings . . .

I had the opportnity to attend the first wedding of someone who actually mattered to me this weekend. The first wedding ofa girl from my tight knit group of high school friends - signifying the fact that we're definitely growing up - although I couldn't find my panties the morning of and went sans undergarments. I'm not sure if this means I'm really on my way to adulthood now, but it made the reception a LOT more fun. Try salsa dancing when you KNOW your ass needs to be sitting the fuck down. . .

Some things that made me say 'hmmmmm . . .'

1) The wedding was Catholic so the priest, of course, delivered a homily. How he worked in preparing soup, car washes, the staggering divorce rate, the evil of the cell phone, and how flash photography in church would send you STRAIGHT TO HELL in there I'll never know. And, he peppered his speech with a fake accent like Madonna every once in a while, you know, to keep it interesting.

B) Is it wrong to think about sex in church? I kept wondering how awesome my friend's sex was going to be that night now that she was officially married. Plus the priest kept saying quickie ( in reference to the soup and car wash) so I was thinking about quickies. Is that bad? I mean, coupled with the flash photography do I have a one-way ticket to Hades? Can I get a quickie first?

14) The wedding started ON TIME. The invitiation (which I lost months ago) stated 2pm and it started at 2:03. I was counting on the delay in which the congregation would think that someone was about to be jilted or someone couldn't find the rings or the ring bearer was suffering from a mean hangover or some other madcap wedding adventure. But no, the ceremony began and the bride walked down the aisle to the Bette Midler classic . . .

D) 'The Rose.' Vanessa, I love you but damn. I looked around to see if anyone else was holding back ferocious giggles. 'The Rose'? That just shows that anything goes. I'm walkin down the aisle to "You Remind Me of My Jeep."

e) Wedding DJS. Must. Die.

F) Knowing that you're about to get tanked on free booze is perfectly acceptable. Going to Chevy's beforehand and slamming back two HUGE margaritas beforhand is not. You don't pre-party before a wedding reception.

g) I brought a date. We're just friends, although he is very good looking and we'd probably make a nice couple. But, once again, we are just friends. Ladies if you do this be prepared - once your single lady friends find out he's fair game all bets are off. Weddings = high levels of estrogen = everyone wanting to score with your hot ass date.Makes for good blog fodder, but keeping the girls straight at the wedding proves difficult for him. Help him out.

h) NEVER serve barbeque sauce at a wedding unless it's outside. And don't place it next to the lemon-baked chicken. It confuses people.

23) 50 Cent is from da' streets. 50 Cent has been shot almost ten times. I have proof that grandma loves 50 Cent. She was shakin her ass to him on the dance floor while I was trying to get barbecue sauce off of my outfit.(see H)

45) Suppress the urge to scream "whoooooo!" MTV TRL style when the bride walks down the aisle. I almost made this grave mistake . . .of course, it would've been better than "The Rose" but still this is frowned upon.

K) DO NOT freak your dance partner at weddings. DO return to the open bar as much as possible. But, if the bartender points at you and recites your drink of choice you probably have had too many. In this case, send your friend the next time you want to imbibe.

2) I haven't bought a present yet, but I have a year. Suggestions? Maybe I'll get them soup or a car wash coupon - as a souvenir of the ceremony.

z) I think I may have threatened the groom in a alcohol induced haze. Actually, I KNOW I did. Something of the "if you hurt my friend or divorce her I'll kick your ass" variety. Classy, classy, classy.So this wedding was mainly fun-loving Colombians. I have another wedding on Friday that's WHITE people. I'ma have a good time at that one.

Until then, campers . . .