Dozing Extremities: On the Road Again

I'm all hopped up on Squirt and Sprite. The former is not so hard to believe as it's a crazy mix of lemon lime and heroin, while Sprite has no caffeine. So one can only imagine how many fizzy beverages I've knocked back today.

Miss Hershey is back in the work travel groove and on the road again.

I'm nestled between the soft glow of four soda vending machines and the cold granite walls of the belly of a aging sports arena. Life, between this and my awesome two bedroom suite at the legendary Holiday Inn, is good.

Let me tell you what isn't good, natch.*

- What isn't good is that my foot dozed so hard yesterday afternoon while I was reading Bitter is the New Black on the toilet that I actually would have rather self-amputated than let it wake up. I mean, has anyone ever noticed that when the blood rushes back into your sleeping extremities that it HURTS?

HURTS BAD? REAL BAD? At this point I'd rather drag around my permanently sleeping right leg,*than enjoy two fully functional stems.

- What also isn't good is the toilet paper situation. Apparently this particular venue still employs the one square TP method favored by the late 80s. That annoying toliet paper that doesn't roll out in one long glorious strand of tissue but piece by annoying piece. Does anyone but me remember this? Those one square bastards of toliet paper make you pull out 15 slices of paper just to accomodate the whole wiping of the ass.

I've never worked this hard to be hygenic.

You know what else ain't right? My fucking location. My little workstation of whimsy is loading dock adjacent. If I wasn't dressed in Chip n' Pepper camos and had Macy and Tracy* out and about I might've been mistaken as a fishmonger's lady of the night.* Today I've been mistaken for volunteer information center, parking pass lady, and someone who looks like she's just dying for that flyer to get into the Ed Hardy party tomorrow night.
Do I look like an emaciated Hollywood type just dying to blow out my hair and smoke cigarettes while trying to act like I totally don't care? While wearing leggings?*

The fact that my panties are trying to make a break for it and my g-string is creeping out of my camos is also not great.

And the last not great thing, promise, is the fact that I am soooooo bored. I get out of the event too late to be all independent woman 2006 and see a movie or dine at Black Angus, so I'm relegated to hanging out in my hotel room, alternately reading, writing,and doing about fourteen push ups.

Otherwise, life is good.

Footnotes:
1. Natch - It's a sweet abbreviation for naturally!! Thanks for that one Jaqueline (Jackie)! It's not as sweet as, say, UPS** or MDP** or LDR** but it's pretty damn awesome. Plus it rhymes with 'snatch.' A synonym for my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE WORD ON THE PLANET. A word that rhymes with 'runt.'

Think about that for a second.

2. Like those two guys did with their dead boss in "Weekend at Bernie's" and "Weekend at Bernie's Two"

3. Macy and Tracy - My boobs.

4. The whole situation conjures up visions of unsavory women in fishnets and red patent leather heels milling around burly types who frequent loading docks to both a) load things and b) kill people.

5. I hate leggings. I mean, I REALLY HATE LEGGINGS.

Footnote footnotes:
a. UPS - unprotected sex. NOT the guys in brown who deliver stuff.

b .MDP - mexican diet pill. My weight loss secret. That and churros and pie.

c. LDR - something that, thankfully, i am no longer in. thanks for making the big move to Killa Cali, sweetie peetie pie!!***
Footnote footnotes' footnotes -

i. Totally gay, I know. But I love, Starsky. I just do. So I'll call him some nauseating pet name if I want to. Fuck you.