Back to the Future

Go Big Green: Back to the Future

There are a few things that people don't tell you when you graduate from college: a) Entering the workforce is beyond terrifying.* b) Your consumption of wine will seemingly skyrocket to where the term college graduate could easily be the equivalent to that of a run-of-the-mill wino. c) It is almost imperative that you attend your 10-year high school reunion. (Please note that this is especially important if certain class enthusiasts tried to organize a 5 year reunion that may or may not involved go-karting, but which certainly and utterly failed. Of course now, THE PRESSURE IS ON, right?*) And so I suit up. And by suiting up I mean get mentally ready to see people I haven't seen in more than 3,650 days. Do you KNOW how weird this is? I suppose anyone who has experienced any type of reunion can relate BUT a) I had a MUSHROOM CUT. b) I was COLORGUARD CAPTAIN. c) I was on YEARBOOK STAFF. d) Obviously, A-C make me completely uncool. It's clear that there's a LOT that I'm up against. Shit I brought against myself. Ahhh, but I have more depth of personality, right? Like when I used to drive a Ford Tempo that smelled like Black and Milds*, with a driver's side window that was permanently stuck about 4 inches down (which, when it rained, was AWESOME), and an engine that was on its last, feeble legs.* It wasn't pretty, but gosh darn it it gave me loads of personality. But I digress. . . So . . . 70 pounds down, unmarried, childless, sexy ass chocolatey boyfriend I set out specifically to kill 'em. And let me tell you, no amount of alcohol can ease the awkwardness of seeing people who knew you at your most . . .green. A few observations: a) An MBA does not a success story make. b) Somehow those with children and married seemed the least fulfilled. While the singleton clan seemed the happiest.* c) Most Likely to Succeed does in fact mean Ph.D. in Biophysics. d) The quiet people ALWAYS turn out the coolest.* Myself, included. e) Even people's whose bodies didn't increase in mass, experienced fat faces. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever experienced this, but dude. A mighty percentage of my class has coke bloat face.* It was like before showing up people lathered on a thick layer of time. f) Filipino people LOVE breakdancing. LOVE LOVE LOVE it. g) Anyone who says that they "do a little modeling" but still rocks cornrows in 2008, probably doesn't "do a little modeling." And the most important observation, I believe, is spending a few minutes of conversation (or drunken bathroom heart-to-hearts) with people you never talked to in high school and realizing that your dumb ass missed out. John and Melody, I'm talking to you. I'm skipping the 20 year reunion because, my friends, I won. Footnotes: - I ran away to Australia for 6 months to avoid exactly this. Only to return to LA to sell office supplies door-to-door for exactly 5 days.** - Of fucking course it is. - Oh dear Jesus, I used to date a loser that encouraged me to smoke these hobo cigars. For shame, Miss Hershey, for SHAME. - I mean, at stoplights people were staring. Then frowning. Then staring some more at the sounds that my poor little Toaster was making. - I don't know about you, but to me happiness = drunk cripwalking. - Or the craziest/most psychopathic. You'll have to tread lightly with this one as its a potentially deadly toss-up. - And I totally mean coke bloat face in the nicest way. Footnote footnotes: - Where I sold exactly 1 ream of paper. Office supply peddling doesn't seem to be one of my strong points.