Strategic Bulemia

*This entry is graphic, I'd apologize but I'm not really sorry. If anything, I'm pissed. Ugh.

I just threw up at work.

5 times.

Do you know how incredibly tough it is to stealth barf? Hovering over the porcelain, shuddering, shivering and trying to see your reflection in the toilet cover dispenser through watery, bleary eyes? Listening with the precision of a blind person* for the click-clack of heels sure to discover your session of digestive dysfunction?

And for what? What is worth it? Did I get to erase 1000s of calories of a poor eating choice?

Hell to the no.

I got a rip-roaring case of food poisoning from the GRILLED VEGETABLE PLATE at the Daily Grill.

I don't think you heard me, y'all.

I didn't throw up something worthwhile, like a churro filled with cinnamon toast crunch, or a bucket of Popcornopolis Caramel Corn*, or a meat ship*, or even a burger from The Counter.
I hurled a GRILLED VEGETABLE PLATE.

The involuntary, yet appreciated, abdominal crunches caused by stomach clenching.*
The watery eyes.
The fear of getting caught and labeled "the bulemic girl in the office."
The rancid after-breath of zucchini and balsamic vinigarette.
The shame.

All for fucking nothing.

I swear that the next time I experience a digestive dysfunction where my food intake travels north against my will, I will have eaten a Bacon Explosion,* so help me God. I vow to be much more strategic with my bulemia - I mean, if you're gonna throw up that shit BETTER BE WORTH IT.

Grilled vegetable plate. Really? I mean, I just . . .

I am ashamed of myself.

Footnotes:
- And you KNOW their senses are heightened like superheroes and stuff.
- Truly, the BEST caramel corn in the land.
- You MUST visit thisiswhyyourefat.com and behold the meat ship. And yes, it's an edible ship made out of meat.
- And I already ran 3 miles this morning, what a bonus this extra workout is! Score!
- This delicious dish involves a mat weaved entirely of bacon. And then filled with sausage. And then sprinkled with more bacon. And then smoked and covered in BBQ sauce. If the NY Times says it then it MUST be true http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/28/dining/28bacon.html