Usually when people get angry they remark that they're seeing red. The color of bulls and matadors. Of heat and fire. Of oxygenated blood cells.
Of passion. Hearts and bullshit. Valentine's Day. Ugh.
Well friends, I'm angry right now. Livid. Appalled. Malcontent. Effing pissed. And, truth be told, all I can see is the juicy insides of my companion glass of Merlot. Merlot and I are sitting on the couch, t-shirts and boy shorts, just exasperated.* Merlot and I are seeing each other.
Merlot, the "other" man if you will, calms me down when I receive weekend emails or chain letters from my mom, who is recently retired and remarked that "every day is like a Saturday!" In my world today was a Tuesday, it felt like a Tuesday and Wednesday through Friday are a puddle at my feet. I'm wearing socks.*
Merlot gives me leave when a drunken gentleman, peddling his way through Boys' Town, slams into my rear tail lamp and cracks the glass. Merlot is there for me when I learn that parts and labor will cost the same and my boyfriend expresses that it's probably NOT good idea to buy the part and replace it myself.*
Merlot provides solace when I learn that True Blood is taking a two-week hiatus to get me into a frenzied and panicked state awaiting the finale of the BEST. SHOW. EVER. He is also there for me when I learn that the Vampire Queen and Eric are officially dating.*
Oh, and Merlot is the bomb diggy when ANY of the ladies on More to Love complain that they never got male attention because of their weight. Cry me a river ladies, womp.
Footnotes:
- Truly friends, I can think of a million words to express my emotions at the moment. And not one of them is nearly enough, for fuck's sake.
- Seriously, HOW GROSS are wet socks on your feet? Seriously.
- I was thinking it'd probably be awesome to wear a bikini while doing the car repair, upload the video onto YouTube and become the brains (and beauty) behind "Girls Fixing Cars in Bikinis." Cool, no?
- If she has dated both Marilyn Manson AND Eric, Sherriff of Area 5, that pretty much means that Evan Rachel Wood is a super freak? Super freak. She's super freaky, yawl. (Thanks Rick James you said it best for sure.)
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Numerically Speaking
Just some little things hopping around on the moon bounce of my brain. Tiny things, insignificant things.
1 . Dry shampoo to me sounds like some white people ish. Everyone else uses water, you should too.
2 . As mentioned in a previous status update, a lot of my friends have thrown their backs out. While it’s funny, it’s also very very sad because it means that they now have to have very careful and orchestrated sex. And very careful and orchestrated walking. Which sucks.
3 . In similar body deterioration news, I think I am developing carpal tunnel in my right wrist. Computer injuries are lame and basically scream “I never work out.”
4 . Which I totally do, sometimes twice a day.
5 . So I’m not thinner with a rockin’ body because what? God hates me?
6 . My new filing system at work involves taping important emails to the wall in front of me because I am too lazy to order a corkboard from Office Max. My office looks like the cramped apartment those serial killer psychos that tape up old newspaper clippings about random stuff. Like abductions they know they did.
7 . Recently, my bellybutton ring was completely ripped from my flesh. While this sounds gross and terrible, it’s not as gross and the ER cartarizing the wound with silver nitrate. Basically my belly button ring was RIPPED OUT and then BURNED SHUT. And this was before 8 am on a Saturday.
8 . Now accepting your sympathy.
9 . Remember in college when you could call someone at 11pm, talk for an hour, then decide to go over to their house to watch a movie until 3am and then wake up and go to an 8am lecture? Now all my friends fall asleep at 10:30pm. Coming over after 11pm is blasphemous and a phone call after 10pm means “it’s an emergency.” No it doesn’t. It means I’m bored and my boyfriend in on the computer or watching anime, TALK TO ME.
10. It’s really hot. Thanks for showing the fuck up, Summer.
1 . Dry shampoo to me sounds like some white people ish. Everyone else uses water, you should too.
2 . As mentioned in a previous status update, a lot of my friends have thrown their backs out. While it’s funny, it’s also very very sad because it means that they now have to have very careful and orchestrated sex. And very careful and orchestrated walking. Which sucks.
3 . In similar body deterioration news, I think I am developing carpal tunnel in my right wrist. Computer injuries are lame and basically scream “I never work out.”
4 . Which I totally do, sometimes twice a day.
5 . So I’m not thinner with a rockin’ body because what? God hates me?
6 . My new filing system at work involves taping important emails to the wall in front of me because I am too lazy to order a corkboard from Office Max. My office looks like the cramped apartment those serial killer psychos that tape up old newspaper clippings about random stuff. Like abductions they know they did.
7 . Recently, my bellybutton ring was completely ripped from my flesh. While this sounds gross and terrible, it’s not as gross and the ER cartarizing the wound with silver nitrate. Basically my belly button ring was RIPPED OUT and then BURNED SHUT. And this was before 8 am on a Saturday.
8 . Now accepting your sympathy.
9 . Remember in college when you could call someone at 11pm, talk for an hour, then decide to go over to their house to watch a movie until 3am and then wake up and go to an 8am lecture? Now all my friends fall asleep at 10:30pm. Coming over after 11pm is blasphemous and a phone call after 10pm means “it’s an emergency.” No it doesn’t. It means I’m bored and my boyfriend in on the computer or watching anime, TALK TO ME.
10. It’s really hot. Thanks for showing the fuck up, Summer.
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