An Open Letter to the Las Vegas Shoe Thief

Dear Las Vegas Shoe Thief,

I shouldn't address you as 'dear' because you are a dusty wench with an evil heart. WHO STEALS SHOES FROM THE CLUB? Someone's sweaty, funky, danced all night and now the balls of my feet are throbbing, must. . .make. ..it . ..to. . .the. . .car. . .shoes?! My friends are very confused because when I say, "Someone stole my shoes!?" they think I mean:

a) the housekeeping staff at Mandalay Bay
or
b) a crafty pickpocket with a penchant for shoes that are currently being worn by the original owner.

I am not referring to them. Fortunately I found the housekeeping staff at the Mandalay Bay hotel in Las Vegas to be very polite and trustworthy. I even left a $500 chip on my bed table next to an empty bottle of Jack and they left the chip in tact. Anyone could steal from a wasteful and careless drunk, as I pretended to be for research purposes, but they didn't. Most importantly they did not steal my shoes and changed the sheets on a regular basis.

Crafty pickpockets remain blameless mainly because I don't really have pockets on my ass. I tend to wear skirts and kitchsy pants that have no pockets but still make my butt look good. Sometimes there are pockets in the front but those are tougher to pick. Also, I don't carry a wallet so there's actually nothing they'd be interested in. To them I am another wallet-less and pocket-free chick walking around Vegas with a nice ass. Of no consequence whatsoever, but nice to look at just the same. You already know, LVST, that the pickpockets did not steal my shoes.

You did.

This infuriates me.

I loved those shoes.

I JUST BOUGHT those shoes.

I hope you feel stupid because one was a size 9 and one was a size 10. I have irregular feet. I often switch shoe sizes when sales people are not looking. I have become very good at this and, obviously, it works for me as I achieve optimal comfort in great looking shoes. That being said, I hope your left foot is significantly smaller than your right.

So, LVST, I'm sure you opened the bag you pilfered from MIX Lounge hostess stand, delighted at your evil deed. Only to find a mismatched pair of beautiful snakeskin wedges in different sizes AND sticky adhesive because I ripped the heel grips out after I wore them the first time because they made the shoe too, too tight.

Trying wear them, loser. Try selling one size 9 and one size 10 on Ebay. Try explaining the stickiness in the heels. Try explaining the baby powdery odor mixed with foot sweat that I'm sure I made traipsing around the club that night fending off wannabe suitors with judo-chops to the groin area, trying to track down Prince, and feeling a little incestuous because Common looks like my brother and yet I still think he's cute.

You can't.

So basically I hope you either trip and fall or your wack Ebay auction starts and stalls at 99 cents even AFTER you post it for 10 days.

Who steals shoes?! You dusty wench.

Sincerely,
Pilaar A. Terry