Mexican Diet Pills

The first step to fighting one's addiction is admitting that you have a problem.

This is certainly not what I'm doing here. Here (right here) is where I describe my first week's experience with Mexican Diet Pills, aka Asenlix, aka 'oh my God I'm so fucked up right now and I'm at WORK and why am I still hungry? These pills suck.'

So I had to travel to Vegas last week for the Academy of Country Music Awards, glamourous I know. It was Vegas. I was tired. I had been wearing a walkie talkie with a very attractive headset 1-800-Dentist style. I had seen WAY to many bolo ties and ten gallon hats.

Day 1 Me: "Man, I'm tired. I could sure use some Red Bull or something. Hey is that Chipotle? There's Chipotle backstage!"
Drug pushing coworker/friend: "Forget Red Bull, try these. Totally keep you awake."
Me: (insert afterschool special "Just Say No" moment) "Awesome! What is it?" I grab hungrily at the green on green pilly.
Drug pushing coworker/friend: "Mexican diet pills. Asenlix. Here's the box."I try to read the box, I am not bilingual. I tell people I am but I'm really not. I also tell people that I skipped sixth and seventh grade because it's fun to lie. Anyway, I can't read the box. I understand it says 'Hecho in Mexico'. Hmm, made in Mexico. This is the same place that churros come from so they can't be all that bad.

Red flag #1:The pills are called Asenlix. There is ASS and LICKS in the title. Hmm . . .
Red flag #2: I cannot read the box.
Red flag #3: I'm stuttering . . .I can't focus on one object or person or thought . . . look at the pretty colors! Is it weird that I can feel myself blink and my eyelids are twitching?Day 2Of course I take more. But I may have already built up a tolerance. I should probably take two this time. With a glass of wine.
Red flag #4: I can't. Feel. My. Tongue. Oh my god, I love Asenlix! I lost a pound! Overnight! The possibilities are endless!

Day 3 I don't remember day three.
Day 4 I don't remember day four. But I think I've gone down a pants size. That's . . .bad?
Day 5 I have to drive home (again) for another soul-sucking wedding. Naturally I need a pick-me-up. I buy a pack of Red Bulls and my good friends Asenlix and Pop Rocks. This is going to be the best four hour drive EVER. And it is!The feeling has returned to my tongue, I know the words to everything on the radio, I'm flying up the 5, I can DRIVE WITH MY EYES CLOSED! I arrive at the wedding. I can't stop sweating.My fingernails seem really bendy. I pop another Asenlix to calm me. Ah, Asenlix.

Red flag #5: Hey, I just realized that I don't remember Day 3 or Day 4. Nothing important probably happened anyway . . .
Day 6 I should really stop taking Asenlix. I should really stop taking Asenlix. Stop beckoning to me from the annals of my fake Prada purse. Die Asenlix! I'm sorry, I love you Asenlix. . .
Day 7 Today I'm writing this blog as a cry for help. Now I'm jittery, thin and beautiful, incredibly self aware (paranoid), I can't remember large portions of last week, and I'll have to cross the border to sustain my habit. What am I going to do?

Where's my damn Asenlix?