It's simultaneously way too late or too early for me to be awake right now. I'm mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. I'm running on empty and coasting to my destination downhill, barely pumpimg the brakes and subtely slicing my hands through the air as my eyelids get heavy. But too wired and tired to sleep. Sleep is for cowards. Those who makes their best decisions unconcious. I want to be awake while my life happens.
How come the night always seems to bring more clarity than the glaring and blaring sun star during the day?
I attended another wedding today and will be hitting the road for Los Angeles tomorrow morning, well actually in a few hours. But I'm thinking - here at "home" I find myself comfortable but anxious - I'm fully aware of the big, bright world outside of my satin-lined padded box and want to get out again. Familiar destinations and faces that used to comfort me now remind me of how far I've come, how far I've yet to journey. It's like my most comfortable pairs of jeans don't fit anymore. It makes me sad, but then I realize I've got a new pair to put on that make my ass look great. I can't wait to strut.
And while home and work and friendships are neatly and brightly packaged, perfect to look at and improve upon, I can't seem to figure out relationships. Damn it, it's always something isn't it? I can't even figure out if I really want one or not. If I'm trying to hard. If anyone is REALLY worth the effort. If I'm pushing away those who I should be with and blindly embracing those that could give a shit. If only I knew how this was supposed to turn out later. If only it was as easy as consulting a Magic 8-Ball.
At the wedding I let the bridal bouquet fall at my stilletos while little girls and women scrambled to retrieve it. I got booed for my non-chalance. I drank too much and danced until sweating. Men and boys flirted shamelessly with the "beautiful black girl" (it's amazing what you can eavesdrop while smoking behind bushes in a wine vineyard) and nothing and no one held my attention long enough for me to care. How am I supposed to figure out someone else for the rest of my life if I haven't figured out me yet? Suck on that, matrimony. Suck on that, 'til death do we part.' You bore me because you're coventional.
Carnally I'm in need, in frustrating and anxious heat, and tonight even masturbation has lost its usual . . . usualness. This is certainly not okay. I'm barefoot and eating a frozen popsicle wondering what he's doing right now and if he even thinks of me anymore. I wonder if he'd come inside me, if that's even a place he wants to be. Can he feel me thinking about him? Does he even care?
In regards to all things Pilaar Aikelah Terry I need to simply keep coasting like this early morning thesis. But I can't seem to stop my hands from gripping the wheel and consulting MapQuest every minute to make sure I'm on the right track. I know I just need to get lost, but I just don't know how.
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