You know how your whole life people have told you what the next step should be?
Elementary school. Junior high. High school. College. Good job. Marriage. Kids. White picket fence perfection?
I'm being held hostage in my friend's apartment listening to her argue with her boyfriend. I know she screamed
i hate you.
you don't understand me, either.
fuck you.
how does it come to that? i don't understand.
i've never been good at relationships - getting one, keeping one, ending one in a mature and noble and mature fashion my mom would be proud of. i simply lack the knack. i lack the knack.
i'm just being honest.
and yet - the next step on my life's roadmap dictates that i enter into a verbal agreement with someone. promise to bend over backwards. hold my ankles while he fucks me when i'd rather be enjoying vh1's celebreality.
and now, when i think i might want to stop accepting applications. because maybe i can handle one now. maybe i'm a big girl. maybe he's just around the corner or right in front of me. pick a well-qualified candidate and take the next step
i'm being held hostage in my friend's apartment and she's still screaming.
i don't want that.
i want sex everyday. i want suprises. i want kisses in the middle of the night. i want our major compromises to be mexican or chinese. is that wrong?
i'm throwing my roadmap away. someone's given me the wrong directions.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
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