I Let My Dentist Feel Me Up

So my friends know me for having intense attractions to, um, interesting gentlemen. I don't know what it is, it just happens. . .

I'm in a quaint little dentist office in Brentwood and in walks Dr. Ramourian. A tiny Persian man with red hair (I found out later he walks with a limp) he proceeds to tell me how fucked up my mouth this. Believe me, this is shocking news as I'm more prone to hear "Oh my God, your teeth are so white!" rather than "You have deep pockets of bacteria that we'll have to numb your entire mouth to clean, you infectious beast. You aren't even worth the strength it takes to floss baby teeth. Peon."

But I do take the news alarmingly well . . .all because of the gentle touch of Dr. Ramourian. I mean, ladies, this is better than the massage they give you during a mani- pedi-. Dr. Ramourian really knows how to touch a lady. Anyway, the good doctor begins caressing my arm, light cheek grazes, the meaningful glances. I mean seriously, this doctor is into me for real.

Finally he takes it to the next level and actually kisses me on the forehead. This is for real, right? Let's not forget all of the velvety compliments about how beautiful I am and he's so happy to be able to treat me. Flavored with his Farsi accent, I'm completely his. Oh man, I've fallen for a Persian little man with a limp and I couldn't be happier! So as he's cleaning the spit from my face while gazing into my numbed up face, I allow him to grab my ass.

I can't wait to go back to the dentist. There's nothing like staying on top of good oral hygiene. Has anyone else been intensely attracted to one of their medical practitioners? Maybe we should start a support group.

Please, please. Put in away.

I REALLY don't know what it is - maybe it's just me or maybe it's something about guys in general. I'm almost afraid to bring it up because if I find out that it really is just me I'll be utterly mortified. I'm sure I'll laugh about it later, but I think mortification is certainly in the cards.

Why is it, and help me out here, that if you kiss someone he thinks it's automatically time to get naked? Literally - get naked. Or at least take out the penis. Now I do appreciate kissing as much as the next girl, but this do NOT mean I want to go down on you and/or let you stick it in. Kissing me for 30 seconds does not make it go time and damnit, how do you guys get undressed THAT fast without breaking away from a woman's lips? How DO you do it? I am perplexed.

Years of being myself, along with a very helpful research study on what is found attractive (thanks University of India), I've learned that I unknowingly exude copious amounts of intense sexual energy. (You may beg to differ after reading what I'm looking for - a HOT person - but I don't walk around thinking this all the time. And hey, this isn't the invitation for you to tell me that you're what I'm looking for. Let's focus on the blog here. This isn't about you and me.) Anywho, I don't know how to turn it off, it's not in the way I dress (believe me sweats and oversized t-shirts can't hide this invisible aura that seems to be seeping from my very pores and wafting into the air), and I don't ask for it on a daily basis. But it's there, hanging over my head like a rain cloud in a cartoon. Only, I don't get rained on, I get lots and lots of guys wanting to show me what Mr. Happy looks like.

Please, put it away. I just don't want to see that right now.

Or ever.Is it just me? Ladies, do you too fall victim to Automatically Naked Guy? Doesn't it totally turn you off? How do they respect themselves knowing they've been naked in front of numerous girls and probably only been intimate with less than half? Is it a numbers game - get naked enough and you'll just HAVE to score one time? Is it the law of averages? Somebody help me out.

I have seen way to much penis. Penis, I think we need to take a break. It's not you it's . . . well, yeah, it's definitely you.

One with my chest!

It took me about 23 years to finally get into this mindset. Okay, well maybe not 23 years but I guess since 3rd grade I've been grappling with the fact that I developed early . . .and kept developing. But now I am finally at one with my chest and the proud owner of a beautiful pair of breasts.

Have you met?

Well, let me introduce you to the ladies . . .
Macy - The quiet one. Macy has always been the intuitive introvert, very smart. She mostly stays in and reads books about smart people things like the economy and the Reagan administration. She watches CNN Headline News, Meet the Press, and Hardball with Chris Matthews. For awhile she wanted to run for public office but finally decided to get her law degree, take the bar, and practice criminal law. She's one tough bitch and let me tell ya' - still waters run deep.

Tracy - Ah, the loud one. She blasts her music, talks through scary movies (any movie for that matter), flirts with boys, gets way too drunk at parties, and writes notes to the bartender. She wanted to go into massage therapy but couldn't seem to get her ass to class at community college so the girl dropped out. She's really fun, don't get me wrong, but the girl needs some fucking focus. And how!Anyway, I put together a list of things I liked about the twins and things I hated.

Here's an abridged version so you guys know where I'm coming from:
Cons
--People stare. Guys, girls (a LOT of girls. And don't think I'm dressed like this because I'm trying to steal your man. And yes, bitch, he's staring too. I'm wearing this shirt because nothing else fits!)
-Quick! What color are my eyes?-Strapless bras? Please.-Going braless? Please.-Running or excercise requires more than one sports bra. This creates sausage chest. Not pretty.
-Can a bitch get some spaghetti straps?-And just because I've got enough up here to feed a family of four doesn't mean that I'm a fatty everywhere else. Here's an idea, let's make a shirt that fits in BOTH the chest and the waist. Genius, fucking genius.

PROS!
-They were free.
-They're fun to accessorize.-No lines, no waiting, and sometimes I get free stuff. Okay, maybe a lot.
-Despite the above average size they're perky. Awesome.
-If touched correctly I go insane. Go ahead, bite them. Perfect.
-Did I mention the free stuff?
-They're pretty! So, so pretty.So, now that I've finally accepted my body and become one with my chest I thought I'd share this newfound pride with the class. Now talk amongst yourselves.

Viva la Sweater Puppies!